No Nest

Writings and space for individuals (especially women of color) and couples examining the many factors that arise with the decision to have children or not. Most notably, motherhood and the voluntarily decision to be child-free is largely explored. 

January 8, 2019

I know you've made the decision; feel confident, free, and it's the one decision you are really confident about--you are childfree-by-choice, or going to be, but let's have a thought-experiment:

August 28, 2018

Disclaimer: I think all reasons to have or not have children are valid and reasonable if they are to the person deciding.

As a psychotherapist, I have come to the understanding that some individuals want children to recreate a relationship that they never had with their parents or caregivers. There are two themes that I have noticed with these individuals, though I am not suggesting these themes to relate with all individuals who decide to have children.

The first theme I have recognized is an ungrieved relationship with their real and/or fantasized version of...

August 1, 2018

1) Write a letter to yourself about what your hopes and goals for the next 1, 2, or 5 years, put in an envelope, and write on it the date that you can open it.

2) Journal about your thoughts and emotions about being child-free and how it has gone this year.

3) Send thank you cards to the individuals in your life who have supported your child-free choice.

4) Read Ellen Peck's amazing 1972 People Magazine Interview

5) Have a special dinner by yourself, with partner, or friends/family. 

6) Treat yourself ALL DAY! Brunch, shopping, movie, museum etc.

7) TAKE A TRIP!...

September 6, 2017

I’d like to highlight my theory in a Model of Three Questions that may help one start on their decision-making process to have kids or not. First, one decides if they want them now—(ex: a person may not want them now), then the 2nd decision is whether one ever wants them? (ex: a person may want them later). Lastly, if they do want a child, they decide if they want one with or without a partner (ex: person may want them later, but only if they have a partner, since they do not want to be a single parent). These three main questions obviously have a lot of spac...

July 20, 2017

If you know anything about the biography of Vincent Van Gogh, you know that his mother had previously given birth to a still-born child of the same name, exactly one year before Van Gogh was born.  Already, it may be hypothesized that the loss of her previous son had defined the birth of her second Vincent.  It is believed that his mother was not very affectionate towards Van Gogh,  and had never grieved over the death of her first child, leading to a lack of attachment with Van Gogh (Naifeh, 2011).

 Self Portrait, 1887

The lo...

May 14, 2017

"I wish we lived in a world that respected all women more, regardless of their reproductive habits. I wish we believed them when they say they know what want — and what they don’t want. ... And if I don’t tell you this enough, my childfree friends who’ve explored the world and innovated in your fields and just plain been the rock stars I am so privileged to know, I admire the living hell out of you. Thank you for sticking around even after I brought these two loud, messy people into the world. And on Sunday and every day, I wouldn’t change a damn thing about...

May 9, 2017

Throughout her book, The Will to Change, bell hooks continues to focus on how patriarchy hurts boys, especially in her third chapter, "Being a Boy."

"It is patriarchy, in its denial of the full humanity of boys, that threatens the emotional lives of boys, not feminist thinking. To change patriarchal 'traditions' we must end patriarchy, in part by envisioning alternative ways of thinking about maleness, not only boyhood" (pg 37).

She calls forth for feminist thought to widen its contribution to society by offering more alternatives for masculinity, particularly...

May 3, 2017

The amazing British Psychoanalysis Donald Winnicott coined and theorized the important concept, the "good enough" parent. He saw that parents had high expectations on themselves as a parent, and also their child, and created many anxieties about their abilities as parents, which all led to maladaptive thinking and behavior. The idea of the "good enough" parent gives parents space to accept that they will not be perfect, because no one is, and their faults and deficits as parents will not be the collapse of their child, that is, if they at least try to be "goo...

March 14, 2017

I do not think that being child-free necessarily means that one will not have a family. Family is what you make it. One may not have dependents that one can include on their taxes, but one can conceptualize family in many different ways that still makes one feel socially connected with others and this world. One can influence others so greatly that the other person is changed--be it a child, adolescent, a friend, or older adult. There is this idea that we should all try to influence children because they are the ones still growing up, and guidance in the begi...

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